Catharsis of a Nervous Wreck

I like to be dramatic every now and then… but in case you’re asking, yes, I am a nervous wreck.  I’m just being honest.

While I think that we can stand up for what we believe in, we all can’t be blamed for having just a little bit of paranoia.  If you’ve known me long enough, though, you probably know that I’m not exactly the poster boy for calm under pressure.  Here’s how things stood for me so far today:

• After breakfast at the office, I wrote a little note on a piece of scrap paper that was to be my scripted speech when the time came that I’ll call my dad to explain that I signed the intervention filed in Congress yesterday.  I managed about two sentences of a rather dramatic script when my dad said, “Whatever your convictions are and if you stand by them, good for you.”  OK, so much for the note.
• I was supposed to go to lunch with my friends at the office, but I was so nervous that I decided to smoke first.  I completely forgot about lunch.  And cigarette breaks.
• I forgot to switch my cellphone to “Silent” mode, so every text message made me jumpy today.  I was expecting my messages today to be more of the negative sort, until I realized that my friends read the paper more than I think.  It’s amazing how you have your friends figured out one day, and you realize how much they really care for the future of this nation.  Perhaps even more than you do.

Yes, I’ve been shaky today.  I think it’s because I signed a document that I wholeheartedly believe in; I believe that President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo should be answerable to the public because of the dire consequences and compromises of the BJE-MOA-AD.  The full weight of impeaching the President is somewhere on my shoulders right now.

Yeah, I think that every now and then, it’s OK to be afraid.  It’s OK to be a bit nervous every now and then.  Not because we fear what we suppose, but because we simply do not know what this Government will resort to when at least one person dissents and says this screwing has to stop.  I know; I’m one of those people.  The here-and-the-now is that I know that I’m not ashamed of what I did, but I am afraid of what will happen to me when worse comes to worst.

I guess I’m a nervous wreck because signing a document became as meaningful for me personally as well as politically.  It gave me the knowledge that no matter what you stand for, there are at least five people behind you who will back you up.  At the same time, no matter what someone stands for, there are at least five people you’ll back up any day.  Not just five, perhaps a dozen, a hundred, or thousands.  Maybe even one in two Filipinos will step up and say, “Hey!  Enough is enough!”

How many people can say that to themselves today, I do not know.  Sure, they’re hurling accusations left and right now: that these bloggers are destabilizers, that they’re representatives of nobody, that they’re driven by money and political ambition.

But hey.  Come to think of it:

• If by “destabilizer” you mean someone will stand up and do the right thing and rise against the stability of evil and corruption, then maybe I am a destabilizer.  No shame in that.
• I think that as a taxpayer, a citizen, and of legal age, I can represent myself any day in any legal venue.
• I never made a cent from my blog, and I have just enough money in my pocket right now to live a life without palm trees and fancy lauriat dinners.  Just enough for the chicken and fries.
• I’m just 23 years old; what political ambition are you talking about?

If people - from friends to family to complete strangers - supported you for what you believe in, then I think my college teacher was right: I have nothing to be afraid of.

It puts a smile on my face - and salve on my fear - to know that there are people out there who have backed me up when in my own little way, I stood up against the President.  Now there’s something to be proud of, more than nervously checking newspapers to see if you really did make it to the front page.