That sexy beast above is the Bacon Explosion: 5000 heart attack-inducing calories of pure, unadulterated delicious. Two pounds of bacon, two pounds of Italian sausage, seasonings, barbecued and basted to complete and total win. The Wendy’s Baconator, at 840 calories, is a pissant compared to this. Never mind that the Bacon Explosion looks phallic, is semantically and syntactically sexist, and potentially fatal; because everything good in the world is made from bacon atoms, the Bacon Explosion is the next best thing since – and goes great with – sliced bread.
Of course, it’s Lent. You can’t eat a Bacon Explosion, a Baconator, or any form of meat during Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and all Fridays of Lent, lest you be thrown into a pit of smoldering sulfur and oceans of flame all the rest of the afterlife.
Which means that, among other things, the Whopper I ate last night will just be another reason for me to spend the rest of my life in Hell.
