Archive for July, 2009

Happy Eggs

Happy Eggs

From the weird news vaults of the Telegraph: the Happy Egg Company (now that’s what I call branding) is now selling pre-cooked, ready-to-peel, ready-to-eat eggs to that segment of the British population who don’t know how to boil and peel eggs.  Dubbed “Happy Boiled Eggs,” the eggs are perfectly cooked, hermetically sealed, and are great for picnics and packed lunches.

I was secretly wishing for the next best thing in marijuana-infused cuisine, or the next joke about bollocks.  Yet not since the days of solar power flashlights and whack-a-mole alarm clocks have I seen an innovation so… useful.

Do you just plop an egg into a pot of boiling water, and poof, boiled egg?  Nope.  There are cookbooks that detail the boiling of perfect eggs, and egg-cookers sold on TV always come with egg slicers.  Say what you will about the decadence of the West; you can even chalk up pre-cooked hermetically-sealed eggs to the list of cultural extinction, but egg-eating is definitely easier than egg cooking.  I don’t know how many fragments of eggshells have made their way to my scrambled eggs, and I did get confined for a few days for eating half-raw eggs.  Or half-cooked.  It says a lot about my outlook in life.

I don’t know about British tastes, but the Filipino palate is accustomed to pre-cooked eggs.  While we don’t have animal inspectors who have expert knowledge on hen behavior (there’s more to kahig at tuka than meets the eye), we have perfected pre-cooked eggs in the way of balut, penoy, and itlog na maalat. There’s still a lot of cracking and peeling involved, though, and the eggs aren’t happy.

I sometimes wonder if eggs would mutate to turn into those little plastic toy eggs you get from gumball machines.   That makes peeling and cooking a lot easier.  Egg vending machines… now that’s a great idea.  Never mind the bollocks, and never mind the flatulence.

Happiness, as they say, is an egg.  I just find that statement funny.  Singing and dancing eggs in Flash cosplay, FTW.

* – Image sourced from The Broken Plate.  They’re so cute!  - Marocharim

July 7, 2009 4 comments Read More
Streetwalker Crossing

Streetwalker Crossing

Some kind of warning: I usually don’t write anything R-18, or use profane words in the Experiment.  Then again, this falls into the immediate category of “practice sessions.”  I’m not good at writing anything erotic or pornographic or anything like that – I’m a horrible fictionist – so I guess more practice is needed after all of this is said and done.  Should you let your kids see this?  Hmmm… I don’t really know.  - Marocharim

The traffic light was red, and so was the district just ahead.

It was 2:00 in the wee hours of a Sunday morning.  From the other side of the road, I can make out the figures of some of them.  One was discreetly and seductively flapping the hem of her tiny red dress to passing vehicles.  Another one was in the more familiar Catholic schoolgirl “costume,” who tried to appeal to the Lolita fantasy of every possible Humbert Humbert in an SUV or sports car.  There were twins on the other side of the road, both dressed in translucent, skimpy white nightgowns, hair done up in pigtails, and their long, thin legs encased in white stockings in white low-cut boots, “dealing” with a foreigner looking for the “companionship” of some “Flippinas.”

Being one of only a few vehicles on the road, though, our attention was caught by one of them.

She was wearing one of those spaghetti-strap blouses, and one of those very tight denim shorts.  She was wearing four-inch stiletto heels, which made her sway with every step.  Her long legs were clad in fishnet stockings.  There was no mistaking what she was doing, and there was no judgment either.  Yet there was no mental undress, nothing left to the imagination.

From underneath the glow of a solitary street lamp, she started posing.  It seemed so slow for a 20-second stop, but from elsewhere, it looked like a dance.  From my eyes, though, she looked like a machine.  The seconds went ticking by slowly, and so did her movement… carefully choreographed and timed like a Swiss watch.

She put her hands behind her head and kept her feet wide apart, moved her hips sideways and bent over, showing us the contours of her ass.  Her hands went to her knees, and moved her upper body sideways.  She then faced forward and sat on her heels; she opened her legs wide and ran her hands along her stocking-clad legs, along her body, and back up her hair.  A sway of the hips here, a flick of the hair there, and the woman walks toward the taxi’s window.

The driver was getting uncomfortable.  He seemed to have crossed his legs, trying to hide his arousal.  I looked coldly out the window, uninterested, wondering how much the woman would make me pay for a “service” I was not interested in.  A strip-show, perhaps?  A lapdance?  Maybe a blowjob at the back seat.  Or reverse cowgirl and a bonus of doggie-style on my bed, if I choose to take her home.  I didn’t have the money for it, though, and I wasn’t really interested in the prostituted.  I had my mind on other things, like sleep, or perhaps the twins.

Another twenty seconds.  She approached the window, touching herself along the way.  She made a show of standing by the window, slowly but surely bending over.  The crotch of her white denim shorts was a bit damp to the sight, and she moved lower.  Lower, for us to see her braless tits tinted with a hint of rouge.  She made a show of rapping the window, which prompted my excited driver to look ahead and pretend to be as uninterested as I am.  Perhaps he was imagining his erection away with thoughts like the President’s breast implants.  I wouldn’t know.

Her mascara was thick, her eyeshadow was less than perfect, trying to hide her eyebags.  Her face was wrinkled not from age, but from the pollution.  Yet what struck me was her mouth, as she approached closer and closer to the window, hoping to strike a deal with a young man on the back seat, or a taxi driver looking to cheat on his wife.

She tucked her hair back on her earlobe with her fingers, the black nail polish standing in stark contrast from her hands calloused by laundry bars and whitening powder.  I can see one of the cheap plastic pearl earrings that adorned her ear.  She noticed that the driver looked straight ahead – perhaps imagining something like like the MMDA impound lot – so she flashed a smile at me.

My cold, drunken stare changed from indifference to keen observation.  From behind the thick pouty lips, I can see the jagged edges of her teeth.  From behind the thick layers of ruby red lipstick, I can see scarring wounds.  From behind the thick layers of foundation, I can see the sores just near the corners of her lips.

After what seemed like an eternity, the light turned green, and off we went.  The driver went quite slowly, so I was still able to take a last glimpse at the streetwalker approaching the railings.  Her rear was thrust high up in the air, but her frizzled bedroom hair was covering her face.

* – The painting is Richard Lindner’s “Pillow and Almost a Circle,” sourced from The Davidson Galleries.

July 7, 2009 5 comments Read More
Wifi Carriedo? Sureness.

Wifi Carriedo? Sureness.

SM Megamall
3:49 PM

If anything, I have Eric to blame for all of this reminiscing.

I’m reminded of Carriedo, where the first Shoemart store was opened.  We all have a good idea of those small clearance stores where shoes and clothes, sold at discount rates, were held at a stockroom on the second floor.  A particular size or style of shoes would be ordered by the customer.  The cashier would ring it up, and in the tradition of bowling pinboys, shove the boxes down a chute or, at times, a hole in the ceiling.

Tretornwhitelowcutsizesix, Tretornwhitelowcutsizesix… poof.  There’s your shoe.  You don’t like the shoe?  A magical hook appears from the same hole in the ceiling, and the shoes are taken back to the stockroom.  You wanted Kaypeebluehightopsizeseven, or at the very least NewBalancetwotonetrainersizesixandahalf.

There used to be a time that attracting people to malls meant things like the coldest airconditioning possible, and probably a rollercoaster in the atrium.  Or having wi-fi to begin with.  These days, almost every mall now offers free wi-fi.  Now you can corral the laptop-bearing elites, while the technological plebeians stare from behind the fences.  I kid, but you can have a good idea of the digital divide by entering a coffee shop, and picking your way between those who use laptops and smartphones, and those who don’t.

I don’t really mind public wi-fi, if not for the fact that my life has to depend on getting Internet where I can, when I can.  While a wi-fi’ed SM Carriedo probably won’t work, I can see a future for it in hashtagged shoeboxes and converting Barn Buddy coinage and Farm Town crops for brassieres.  Who needs money?  Social media is the biznitch.  You can buy those new socks and charge them to PayPal.

Yet things don’t have to change for the total tech mall.  Them holes in the ceiling are part of the charm.

July 5, 2009 3 comments Read More
Nine Inch Nails: Live in Manila (August 5, 2009)

Nine Inch Nails: Live in Manila (August 5, 2009)

NIN Poster 6_17

Will a march of the pigs bring us closer to the perfect drug?  We’re all in this together, hurt in happiness in slavery.  NIN is the hand that feeds, starfuckers… and Trent Reznor’s creation is coming to Manila.

Some months back, I heard that Nine Inch Nails was going to have one big concert here in Manila.  I’m a big fan of the performance and the music of Trent Reznor, and it would be absolutely awesome a month from now, when Splintr, MTV Asia,  and NU 107 brings you “Nine Inch Nails: Wave Goodbye (1989 – 2009).”  Once-in-a-blue-moon-when-pigs-fly, guys: mark your calendars.  August 5, 2009, 7 PM, at the Araneta Coliseum.

Here’s now you can get tickets for this rare occasion.  Benj tells me that this is billed as the “farewell tour” of NIN, but I’m not counting on it just yet.

I’m crossing my fingers that Trent’s not somewhat damaged yet, and that the concert is just like anyone imagined.

July 5, 2009 4 comments Read More
Lo Siento, Corazon

Lo Siento, Corazon

Updated August 1, 2009: I wrote this piece a little over a month ago, when Cory Aquino was confined at the hospital for cancer treatment.  Just this morning, the former President of the Philippines, Corazon Aquino, died at the age of 76.

For the past few hours, I tried to write a fitting tribute to President Aquino, but I keep missing the point, unable to write a eulogy for the former President.  Then again, I figure that this entry could be the sobering eulogy that I was trying to write in the first place.  I bring you this apology to Cory Aquino, and I dedicate it to her memory.  – Marocharim

The year was 1985.  My parents tell me my name took after Ferdinand Marcos.  In the Solid North, “Apo” loomed like a monumental presence, both metaphorically and literally.  There was the veneration passed on to the Ilocano President, and there were the statues and highways named after him.  Not to mention the children named after Lakay Marcos.

It was a name with its own sense of irony.  Marcos was going to fall at that time, and that little frail-looking housewife with an iron will – Corazon Aquino – was going to be President.

I was born and raised in a time other than Cory’s.

Years after the 1986 People Power movement, the inspiring woman became a source of derision for many, not just for Marcos’ old supporters, loyalists, and admirers.  Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of political science and public administration would have made – and did make – a laundry list of everything wrong with Cory’s Presidency.  “Buti pa noong panahon ni Marcos,” my elders would lament, and start telling stories of the “good old days.”  Somehow, Cory became relegated to the backdrop; despised, denied, derided.  Cory took the blame for everything from military coups, the permanent crisis for honoring all our debts, brownouts, and a new take on the aristocracy.

Years later, I took to the vacant classrooms of the university, and taught schoolmates what I knew from the books, and tackled Cory’s history with contempt.  Cory wasn’t the “frail housewife in yellow” as much as she became the figurehead for massacres in Mendiola.  Cory wasn’t a “simple woman,” as much as she was the scion of the sugar lords in Tarlac.  The “educational discussion” turned into oratory dripping with disdain for the darling of the world in 1986.  Had there been no Ninoy, there would not have been a Cory.  Had there been no Salvador Laurel, there would not have been a Cory.  The same denial that came with Marcos was accorded to Cory – at least in the discussions of my heyday – where the name “Cory” was just like any other four-letter word.

I deliberately and purposefully forgot the 1987 Constitution.  I deliberately and purposefully forgot that it was during her term that the US military bases were booted out of sovereign territory.  I deliberately and purposefully forgot that Cory Aquino was the face, the image, and the presence behind the spirit of EDSA.

I’ve had time to reflect and to think about that, and I figured that the only reason why I could freely bash and lambaste the former President back then was that I never really got to experience the situation she was in.  The worst part of being that outsider was the arrogant comfort of second-hand knowledge.  At the time when Cory was President, I was playing with blocks and watching anthropomorphic trains on TV.  When her Presidency ended, I was all but seven years old, perfecting my ABC’s and 123′s.  Armchair commentary or the homily from the pew took place years later, and never in the position Cory was in some two decades ago: the ability to take Corazon Aquino’s milestone, her achievement that none of us will probably equal in our lifetime, for granted.

The year is 2009.  Here I am, 24 years older, 24 years wiser.  I write this as a fitting apology, perhaps, to former President Corazon Aquino, who is on the road to recovery from cancer.  While there will be things that I’ll definitely disagree with, it is, was, and forever will be from the sight of a bystander.  At the very least, an entire generation – mine – owes Tita Cory the biggest debt of gratitude of all.

Lo siento, Corazon.

* – Photo courtesy of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism

July 5, 2009 5 comments Read More
Born on the Fourth of July

Born on the Fourth of July

Lots of people celebrate their birthdays on the fourth of July.  It’s just that I’m fortunate enough to have so many parallelisms – and so many idiosyncrasies, among many other ironies – that come with a very funny birthday.  It’s hard enough to live up to the expectations of everyone you know, so much so that you flush most of those expectations down the drain and do things your way.

It’s definitely hard enough to know that even at your age, you still have a lot of growing up to do.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have expected being somewhat a peer to the literati or the blogging community, much less have the balls to help impeach the President with a bit of affirmative action.  I wouldn’t have expected to last and withstand the grueling paths of the rat race.  While I’m not successful at everything I ever tried to do, I think I grew up enough to make a name for myself, within the span of a year.  It’s kind of funny, since these are things I wouldn’t have dreamed of a year ago.  Suffice to say, I got a bit more than I bargained for.

I learned a lot when I was 23: the value of humility, the importance of diligence, living life a day at a time and taking changes step by step.  Yet it wasn’t all sunshine and rose gardens: there’s alcoholism, bouts of laziness, and my seeming inability to look after my health and well-being.  I’m in worse shape than when I started, yet my mind is still sharp and my thoughts are still clear.  Above all, there’s the joy of a cruel irony: to be named after a feared dictator and a beloved president, and born at the twilight of their power, at the most interesting of times and dates…

When you turn into a self-harming teddy bear living a life just a step above boring.

Here’s to 24, staying cool, and being somebody’s fool this year.

July 4, 2009 2 comments Read More